Visit

My father passed away seven years ago. Last weekend, alhamdulillah, I managed to take my kids to visit their grandfather's grave, for the first time. It was only my second. The few minutes there making du'a for the deceased and reminiscing the memories means a lot to me.

I remember growing up resenting the many shortcomings he had as a father and a husband, in my innocent eyes. In spite of all that, my respect goes to the man who at one point worked three jobs (tapping rubber trees in the morning, teaching at a school in the afternoon, and fishing at the river using a net and a sampan in the night) to afford building a home for the growing family. I was born about a decade later, so I only heard the stories of hardships and grit and love.

May Allah grant him forgiveness and mercy. Amin..!
May Allah bless all of us.. Amin!

"O the inhabitants of the graveyard, peace be upon you! May Allah forgive us and you. You went before us and we are going to come after you." (Tirmidhi, Janaiz, 58, 59).

Teacher Nor

I have been dreading this, but finally got to pay Teacher Nor a visit during lunch time today. She smiled upon seeing me, grabbed my hand, and whispered "Thanks for coming" as I gave her a kiss on the cheek. I'm pleasantly surprised.. At least she's alert. It quickly pained me to see her sick like that. This energetic, cheerful, and kind woman is now skin and bones. I could hear the phlegm stirring in her chest with every breath she took. How can I forget to be thankful for the effortless, clear breath i enjoy all the time?

The last time I saw her was when she, and other teachers, paid my daughter a visit. Amira was in the hospital for pneumonia. Teacher Nor herself had been treated for lung cancer (stage 4) detected a few months earlier. At that time she was not a cancer patient, but rather a woman with cancer.

I felt close to her because I read her blog before I met her the first time. I found her blog when googling the daycare I wanted to enrol my kids into. She wrote about parts of her feelings after her beloved husband passed away suddenly and how she tried to deal with losing someone who loved her so much, and whom she loves so much. It's heartbreaking, but I honestly felt a tinge of envy too.

She never taught my kids, actually. She supervised the many centers of the kindergarten+daycares. She visited them sometimes. My kids trusted her so much she inadvertently became privy to some of the issues in the family. We just never talk about it.

We didn't see her around for awhile when she had to take care of her old mother back home. Then she fell down and broke her arm. Later I heard that she was seriously ill. The cancer was a shocking news especially because her lifestyle is clear from the typical risk factors.

Today I only managed to rub and massaged her legs, and held her hand, and helped with the wet towels to cool her body down. She can't eat. The cancer spreaded and she has a broken pelvic bone now, limiting her mobility.

When I was leaving, she repeated her thanks (she really didn't have to) and she said hi to the kids. I gave her kisses and the warmest hug I could muster for the fragile body.

May Allah bless her with mercy and forgiveness.

Her advice to me a few months ago rings in my mind over and over again:

"I pray that Allah beri you kesabaran. Kita semua diuji hanya ujian kita berbeza..."

My heart bleeds for her..

Five Trying Years and Going..

My son is brave, energetic, smart, strong-willed, and very loud. Alhamdulillah.. But I worry about him. Sometimes i am not able to keep things under control when it comes to him. Many times i fail to manage his stubbornness effectively. Many more times he makes me proud of his unwavering conviction and confidence, right or not. I worry a lot of people cannot handle that. He definitely needs to learn a lot. I need to help him overcome some of his predisposition while nurturing his strengths and guide them to the right purposes in acceptable ways.

Today on his birthday, the morning started "on the wrong foot". It took me hours to console myself out of the disappointment. I must be bigger than what i felt like acting, so i waited for him to still take him out for a fun time at the kids play place. We ended the day with yummy ice cream cake alhamdulillah. He saved a few pieces of heart shaped chocolate pieces for his Momma. My son is a heart breaker. I need to be strong.

May Allah help us.

Teratai Layu Di Tasik Madu

Teratai Layu Di Tasik Madu - Fauziah Latiff

Walaupun tasik kekeringan
Tak mungkin teratai kan tumbuh di darat
Begitulah takdirnya cintaku di ibarat
Tak akan berubah perasaanku terhadap dia

Mengapa dia yang ku cinta
Sedangkan ku tahu sikapnya begitu
Dia pandai berpura dan pandai bermain kata
Setahun bersama bak seibu tahun tersiksa

Aku tidak sudi melihat dia lagi
Walau dalam mimpi pun tidak ku ingini
Aku rela menjadi teratai yang layu
Daripada mekar di dalamnya tasik madu

Biarkanlah ku begini
Dan tak mungkin ku kembali
Bersamamu